I came to at about 12:30 this afternoon to the sound of the phone ringing. I’d been having the craziest dream about a pre-concert pajama party that both my ex-husband and my old boyfriend were at. We were at a frat house and all I wanted to do was blow dry my hair. Many other friends were there and everyone had very stylish pajamas. Luckily the phone rang right at the point in the dream where we were trying to figure out who was going to buy the tickets to the show. (Phew!) As my muscles have withered significantly these last few days I felt compelled to de-frost some bacon and fortify myself with a hearty mid-afternoon breakfast. Most people would call this brunch but that term only seems fitting for parties of three or more. Mid-afternoon breakfast was a complete bust. The frozen waffles were soggy and even though there were ample nitrates in the pork product something didn’t seem right so I tossed the whole kit and caboodle and had a frozen thin mint. My only contact with the outside world is through facebook postings which I study like the Torah – coming up with my own scholarly interpretations of what people are really trying to say. I know I should turn on the television and watch some news but the anchor peoples hair and make-up has started to annoy me to the point that I am contemplating entering beauty school. I always wanted to go to beauty school but my grandmother discouraged me instilling fears of head lice and swarthy walk-ins. Even though I am entering (OK let’s face it – in) middle-age I could still make a difference dammit! Besides, having one of those heads you practice on would give me someone to talk to at mealtime. The head would make an excellent travel companion with no extra baggage fee as I’m sure the head wouldn’t mind going under the seat in front of me. I could actually take the head out for young children to play with like some people do with their puppies as long as the flight attendant was agreeable and no one had a head allergy. So that’s it. I’m calling DeVry Institute as soon as this knee heals and I will heal the world – one head at a time.